Cambridge - 8 Feb 2013

     Last Friday, I went on a day trip to Cambridge. It was an NYU-organized trip so we took coach buses from London and upon arriving in the city met up with our walking tour-guides. I got separated from my friends by using the bathroom and ended up in a different group than them. The walking tour was interesting but uneventful. Cambridge was a beautiful old city full of courtyards and colleges, many at least partly closed to visitors like a series of exclusive clubs.
     After the walking tour I tried unsuccessfully to locate my friends, but their walking tour had finished earlier and all I had a quickly dying mobile phone and nobody's numbers. After a period of strife, I eventually forced myself to get over my annoyance at my abandonment and find somewhere to get lunch. I found a place called Tattie's who's sign advertised vegetarian and vegan options, so I went in, sat down by myself, and ate too much of a delicious baked potato with beans, cheese, and vegetarian sausage (and a side of onion rings.) 
      I stopped in and briefly looked around a bookstore called Heffers then went to the Church of St. Mary's the Great. I climbed an old, narrow, winding staircase up to the top of the bell tower where I stood alone with a birds eye view of the whole city, being serenaded by a saxophone quartet playing pop song arrangements on the street below. I could have stayed there ages, but finally I decided that I had taken enough pictures and looked out enough and descended back down the stairs. At St. Mary's I had told I could get 10% off at the cafe that was located in St. Michael's  church, so I headed there for some tea. A person at a table near me seemed to be keeping a white rat in a small purse, which was mildly concerning. I finished my tea and left to go walk along the river, or as much as I could with much the colleges' green space closed off to visitors. I looked at the river, the grass, the bridges and the beautiful buildings before heading back to the coach to return to London.

TFIOSlive - 3 Feb 2013

     A few days before the event I had a fashion crisis. I had decided ages before that I wanted to wear my Hectic Glow T-shirt with black skinny jeans and converse. The shirt was unique with an applicable nerd reference, plus I'd worn it when I met John Green at LeakyCon and the outfit as a whole, in my opinion, looked a bit like Hazel when she was dressed like Anna. But then maybe I should wear a dress, because pretty. In the end I went with the shirt (though I'm still not sure it was the right choice) but in hindsight, it seems likely that my fashion stresses were just a manifestation of my anxiety for the whole experience. Because I was very anxious. Which I suppose was reasonable to an extent, but also kind of silly. I'd met both of the vlogbrothers before, (in situations outside the confines of a signing line no less,) plus I like sort of knew Hank in complicated debating/pocket related ways. But this would be nothing like any of that, which was the source of my stress.
     So I set out to the venue, Cadogan Hall, feeling like I was running late even though I was about as early as I'd ever been to anything. I came out of the underground station with a vague sense of where I was going and found my way without incident to the box office where I picked up a ticket held for me under Baroness Katie Burger (I think maybe my mom was trying to be clever?) I made my way up to my seat in the front row of the gallery, a lovely view only slightly obstructed by a metal bar, and to my delight I found a packet of Maureen Johnson's stickers on the ledge right in front of my seat. I dropped my coat on the bench and went down to loiter in the lobby before the show started. After a few minutes where my uncharacteristic earliness mixed uncomfortably with my characteristic solitariness, I met a pair of girls when they approached me to compliment me on my T-shirt (point shirt). They were German and one of them had studied abroad in Willmar, MN and had come to London today as a birthday surprise. We chatted for a few minutes before a noise informed us that the performance was beginning despite the fact that the scheduled start time was half an hour away. We joined the queue to get into the auditorium nonetheless and I returned to my seat to wait for the event to start. 
     The show itself was highly enjoyable. John read, Hank sang, there was banter, the seats on the main floor below me were lit up with the glow of phones and cameras, and Maureen Johnson proved yet again why she is my favorite vlogbrother. Hank informed us of the encore and we all sang along to 500 Miles, an unlikely nerdfighter anthem. Then, too soon, the show was over and came the signing, which is the part of the night I, like many people, was most excited about and also, unlike many people, the part I'd been dreading. 
     The gallery got to go through the line first (hooray for fire code) which was nice on the surface, but in reality not good at all. I realized I had no idea what to say to John and Hank Green in the context of a fast moving signing line and nowhere near enough time to think. But I went through and got down onto the stage, wondering if anyone in the crowd recognized me. I had the most generic interaction with John Green, he said he liked my shirt (for the third time) and double signed my book. Then I said "Hey, Hank" and I could tell he recognized me (of course) but then there wasn't time for anything more than him asking me how I was and for me to say good and wasn't time for me to think of anything interesting to say before the signing line had moved on and I was directed back to the lobby where I was left to loiter. 
     Another problem with being early in the line is that I never know how to leave things like that. The event was both over and still going on. There was nothing left for me, but if I left there was still the small chance that I'd miss something. (This phenomenon also occurred after LeakyCon, even after the convention ended I was loathe to leave the hotel still full of people.) So I hung around in the Cadogan Hall lobby, hoping that perhaps Maureen Johnson would make an appearance (she didn't) and played with my phone, pretending to be waiting for someone or something real. I listened to the people pass me by, overcome with excitement about meeting their heroes, and realized that I'd known this would happen. That's why I'd been so anxious. LeakyCon had been amazing but unique. Those experiences had been vastly beyond my expectations and now nothing would ever compare, especially not in a signing line. (I have a lot of thoughts about signing lines & meeting people which might probably make it into a rambly vlog at some point.) Even so, that realization didn't change my desire to just go back and groundhog day that moment. I wished I'd mentioned to John how I'd volunteered his signing at Leaky, or mentioned anything at all. I wished I'd thanked Hank, said something meaningful or substantial about anything. 
     Enough time passed that I could no longer justify waiting around in the lobby. I made myself leave, deciding that I was going to choose to remember the many positives of the night. I was going to remember my sticker pack, the girls I met, Maureen's magic wand, the girl who came up to me in the lobby afterwards and said that she liked my videos and told me to keep making them. I went home and wrote a quick tumblr message to Hank, telling him everything I wish I'd said (or as much as I could within the character limit.) Then I left again to go watch the SuperBowl, but when I got to the place, I realized that it started way later than I thought and I didn't care remotely enough about the ritual of the superbowl when what I really wanted to do was go home and think thoughts. (I discovered later that they don't even air the commercials in the UK so it would have been totally pointless.) So I got the free drink that had come with my ticket, (downed the glass of beer in about 15 minutes,) and headed back home, feeling pretty nice about the evening.
     When I arrived home I was greeted by a tweet from Hank, and the brief conversation that followed more than made up for any residual negative feelings I'd kept from earlier.

n.b.

I'm going to try to start using this blog. I've been neglecting it, I've been busy. But I know I'm going to want to remember this year, so I'm going to start trying to make myself update it. It'll probably be a lot of just "here's what I did" and might not be the most interesting always. But this blog is mostly for me. You're welcome to follow along if you like. 

On that note, I'm going to write and backdate posts about things that have already happened, and I might add to them as time goes on if I remember things.

So here goes.

Leaving Home

This past summer I realized that I really loved the Twin Cities, which was rather inconvenient as I was preparing to go to school in London for a year, and then New York for the next three. I was of course excited for this, but not as much as it seemed I should be, and there was so much cool stuff at home. Maybe I would have been fine going to the University of Minnesota, maybe I made all the wrong choices. Was I just spending a ridiculous amount of money to go off on some adventure that I couldn't seem to be able to really get excited for? I wanted to go to London, I've wanted to travel for ages, a few months before I had been seriously considering applying to some universities in Edinburgh because all the smallest bits of British life captivated me. (I was one of those teenage American girls) Or something. But now that it was really happening, I didn't know what to expect. I didn't know how to move away to college, much less to an entirely foreign city. Everything would change, and it seemed like nothing really registered with me. I just kept on explaining to people how I was going to NYU -in London- for my freshman year, the whole year, just the year, yes, freshman year, it's an option they had with the program I'm in, it seemed like it'd be cool, I was very excited and everyone was just SO excited for me. That was probably the biggest thing that convinced me I was doing the right thing. Everyone, especially adults, seemed to be unable to stop telling me how excited they were for me, what a great time I was going to have. "To be 18 in London" is an approximation of the words my math teacher used. How wonderfully fantastic. This was it. This was my chance to travel, to adventure. What better time? These four years are my chance to do stuff like this. Where better than London and New York for the bases of my adventures? Minneapolis is a great city, one where I could see myself living after I finish college. I could live in the Twin Cities for the rest of my life. And I'm not going to throw around words like "once in a lifetime" or "never again" because I don't have any idea what the future will be. But as far as opportunities come, this one is pretty spectacular.

Everyone Should Have a Blog

So, I was working at the Fitzgerald the other night and I think it's fair to say that a lot, if not a majority of the people who usher, especially the volunteers, are old ladies. Such was the case on Saturday.  There were two old ladies standing with me for house hold and I listened to them talk about their lives and they gave me what might be the best advice anyone has ever received: Save money and don't gain weight. 

When the house opened, me and one of the women, I think her name was Alfreda, went up to the first balcony. We didn't have much to do, it was general admission and we didn't get programs until part way through, and it hadn't sold very well so hardly anyone was on the first balcony. So we mostly talked. We talked a bit about the Oscars that were happening the next day, and a bit about the Wisconsin fiasco and somehow, she ended up telling me some things about her life, or rather just in general what life was like when she was younger. She said that she remembered the first time that there was the issue of whether teachers had the right to strike. She told me that she had been a sixth grade teacher and the material was harder than when she was in sixth grade and is much harder now, and something about how there weren't many teachers because people were working in wartime industries. She talked about how it used to be that a man needed to be present for a woman to buy a car. 

Which is why I think that everyone should have a blog. Everyone's life is a story, and then people could learn the stories of other people. It would sure make things like the mystery of Gussie Manlove simpler.

But then I think about how nothing on this blog would really interest someone in the future. It doesn't really give a picture of my life, it's mostly a bunch of ramblings and whining. I don't have enough perspective to really talk about my life, whatever that is. But maybe someday.

Everyone has a story to tell. Everyone's life has something special and unique, and if you pieced all those stories together, you could really get a picture of the world. This is why I love the internet. The internet is completely changing the world. But that is for another day.

Merry Almost Christmas

So, I'm sitting here in my basement. In about 40 minutes, it will be Christmas and I will be 17 years old. Every year, what a strange feeling. The feeling that I should feel different, but I really don't. Like, I'm thoughtful about it, and I'm aware of it, but I'm just sitting here in my basement, like any other night, listening to my brand new Arcade Fire CD, and if I just didn't think about it, nothing would be different. I've felt 17 for a few weeks. That's really how it always is, especially because 17 isn't any big landmark. I can go to R rated movies by myself. Yippee! Christmas was much more exciting when I was little, and it was all about the presents, and that was okay, because I was little. Now I am older, so I am not allowed to be as focused on presents, which is fine, because the presents aren't as exciting now that I am older and also now that my grandparents aren't able to do as much shopping. Present wise, nothing will ever top the year when my grandparents stood in line to get my brother and me a Wii, and we both got DSs and that might have also been the year I got a digital camera for my birthday... Or was that the portable DVD player with the awful battery life? But this Christmas has been really great. I don't know. I'm still too young to only be about family and stuff. In 35 minutes it will be Christmas and my birthday. I will wake up, it will be exciting, and before I know it, it will be over. That's the way it always is. No, that's depressing. What am I even trying to say here? I like Christmas. I like the feeling driving home from my grandparent's house, listening to the Current play the biggest variety of Christmas music I've ever heard, looking at lights. I don't know...

I'm sitting here in my basement.  Soon it will be Christmas, and soon it will be my birthday, and that is exactly how I feel. 

Christmas Eve always makes me think of the song from A Year with Frog and Toad: "Merry Almost Christmas, Happy Almost New Year" There are a lot of other really nice lyrics too, but that pretty much sums it up.   

Here I am. 11:30 on Christmas Eve.  I should go to bed before too long, or else Santa won't come, and I won't want to wake up in the morning. (yeah... right...) But not before midnight. I'll sit here, staring at this screen, and ponder. But probably not. I'll probably just listen to more Arcade Fire, maybe watch some youtube videos, but mostly just wait. I don't know. When I started typing this I expected it to be shorter and less rambly... How silly of me. 

Well, here I am. Now what?

I am confused. also fangirly.

What's this?! Another blog post? Unheard of!

So, it has come to my attention, (due to my new found frequent use and refreshing of my gmail) that I have 6 subscribers on youtube. Only 2 of them are people I know. I don't understand.

But the main purpose if this post is for me to puzzle out my feelings about becoming a fan of things. (Not just the obsolete facebook version, but like real life interests.) When I become fans of things I usually start after the thing has started. Like for a TV Show, I'll start watching from the beginning when it's a few seasons in. Or like I started watching a lot of youtubers a few months ago, and they had all had communities around them for years. And that makes me feel like if I consier myself a fan of the thing, I'm in some weird way cheating the people who have been fans from the beginning. Especially because if I like something, I am HARDCORE about it. I can make references out of nowhere, and I'm currently doing quite well on my quest to watch all vlogbrothers videos. I can comb the internet for info and interviews and articles on things. When I got caught up on Doctor Who I was excited that I could now freely browse the internet searching for DW things. 

I'm trying to determine why I feel this way. Most times my interests are such that previous fans of the show are completely unaware of my existence just as they were before. And when I start something that a friend had been interested in previously, they usually seem fine with it, sometimes happy to have someone to talk to about it and make references. I know I like having to talk to people about things, and I sure like to make references. When I discovered that Elizabeth (hi) watched White Collar, I didn't think that she was infringing on my fan-ness, I was excited to have someone to talk to about it. I tried to get someone to watch Burn Notice so I could talk to them about it. 

However, there are times when I feel like I will feel like someone is infringing on my fan-ness, or stealing my "thing" although thinking about it, it is generally limited to one person and I think I might have some idea why, but I'm not going to talk about it here on the off chance that she reads this. I made this post to talk about it and try to figure it out, but then I got here and realized that there's really nothing stopping the person from reading this one day, so I guess I'll just leave it as it is. Sorry. I think I was able to still say some things in the top part. If you have any kind of burning curiosity just talk to me and I can tell you about it.

Song of the Moment: Exploding People, by Cloud Cult

Quote of the moment: "You can't feel alone if it's all you've ever known."

-Hank Green, A Song about Anglerfish.